Too Cold for Angels to Fly
by WhatWasOnceSilver
Summary: Daltonverse. When he's put in the cancer wing of a local hospital, Logan Wright befriends the carefree Julian; together, they decide to run away so they can complete their bucket lists. Logan discovers all the things he missed out on while Julian takes every opportunity he can to feel alive – in case it might be the last time. AU Jogan


**Title:** Too Cold (for Angels to Fly)

**Author:** Margaret/WhatWasOnceSilver/whatwasoncesilver

**Rating:** T

**Word Count:** 8,881

**Pairing:** Julian Larson and Logan Wright from CP Coulter's _Dalton__  
_

**Summary: **When he's put in the cancer wing of a local hospital, Logan Wright befriends the carefree Julian; together, they decide to run away so they can complete their bucket lists. Logan discovers all the things he missed out on while Julian takes every opportunity he can to feel alive – in case it might be the last time. AU Jogan

**Warnings:** Slash, alternative universe, moderate to heavy swearing, non-graphic sex, cancer, some disturbing imagery

**Dedicated to:** Jessica and Malin

**Author's Note:** The majority of the items on Julian's and Logan's bucket lists come from the perfectbucketlist blog on Tumblr, and I borrowed the story idea from a poster and a gifset made by Malin and Jessica, respectively, on Tumblr (don't worry; I asked for permission first!). I also adapted the summary from the description under Malin's poster. The title is a modified version of a line from Ed Sheeran's "The A Team." Logan's and Julian's bucket lists are at the end of the fic, if anyone wants to look at them from time to time.

Also, we're pretending they know how to cook in here. XD

* * *

This is a story you've heard a thousand times before.

A small town boy living in a lonely world strives, against all odds, to add meaning to his peaceful, safe, and boring life when a sudden and unexpected romance turns his world upside down.

You've heard this story before.

Except maybe you haven't. Because we're not talking about an unconventionally (but not really) beautiful and almost anorexic brunette who plays a girl named Kathy or Lydia or Aubrey – a girl who auditions for school musicals and spends her free time working for charities. We're not talking about Mary Sue.

We're talking about Julian.

…

Logan swings his bag over his shoulder, gazing up at the formidable building in front of him with some trepidation. With a few light steps his mother is beside him, putting a hand on his arm and squeezing gently.

"Well, this is it. You ready, sweetie?"

Logan's father appears beside her, taking a few steps forward to frown at the hospital. "You didn't tell me it was an all-boys wing, Michelle." Logan's mother shoots him a glance. "I don't think we should be encouraging that."

"John, _please_."

With a sigh, Logan's father grabs the handle of Logan's rolling suitcase. "Here." Logan takes hold of the metal. "Well…off you go, I guess."

Logan's mother gives him a sharp glance. "We're not going in with him?"

"He has to learn how to handle things for himself, Michelle."

"I can do it by myself, Mom. It's okay." His mother gives him a quick look, worrying her bottom lip, before spreading her arms. Logan walks into them.

When they pull away, Michelle smiles, though he can see she's trying not to cry. Giving a shaky smile, she reaches forward to brush a strand of blond hair away from his face. "You're so brave, sweetie." With a quick hug, she lets him go.

Logan turns to face his dad, but before he can so much as see his expression his father's got him trapped in a big bear hug, squeezing as though to break his bones. Pulling away, he sniffs hastily, giving Logan a short pat on his shoulder which is less comforting than it is life-threatening.

"Well…I guess that's it. Write often." He hesitates for a moment and then turns sharply and ducks back into the Hummer. His mother reaches out for a brief moment and then curls her fingers back in toward her body as if unsure whether she should touch him or not. Then she shakes her head, plants a quick kiss on his forehead, and pulls away, swiping her thumbs over his cheekbones.

"Call us, sweetie."

Logan watches as she gets back into the car and buckles her seatbelt – watches as they drive away.

"Yeah. I'll…call you."

…

The hospital isn't bad.

It's not _good_, per say, but what can you expect, really. It's a _hospital_. It's forceful medication knocking against his throat and three am visits to the bathroom – it's stopping in the middle of the hall to help Ethel pick up her book and sitting half-naked on the edges of dark blue beds, waiting for examination.

Most of all, it's passing hours and hours in a bland, open room, ignoring mundane conversation and redefining the parameters of insanity over and over again.

…

"I don't know, dude, why didn't you take the ketchup?"

"Because ketchup sucks."

"Then take mustard."

"Mustard is too dry."

"Well don't complain about condiments if you refuse to give barbeque sauce a try!"

Logan puts another card down on the table, trying the best he can to take no notice of the unexciting conversation that's taking place across the hall.

"I don't like the wallpaper in this room."

Logan glances up to see a boy slouched over in the chair across from him, hands folded and one elbow on the back of his chair as he gazes annoyedly at the paper that wraps the area in muted color.

"What?"

"The wallpaper. It's too…flowery, and stuff."

Logan looks at him.

"Not that I have anything against flowers. I mean, I'm not sexist – I just don't care for wallpaper that's so yellow and frayed it could send Mister Rogers himself spiraling into depression." His gaze finally drops to meet Logan's eyes.

"Who are you?"

"An escaped convict. I like spending my spare time in mental hospitals. You know, for giggles and shit."

Logan stares at him. "This isn't a mental hospital."

"Could'a fooled me." The boy puts a foot on his knee and glances around. "Hey, is everyone here being treated for cancer?"

Logan stares at him. "This is the cancer _wing_."

"Really?"

"What did you think it was?"

"I dunno." The boy shrugs, leans over, and steals a purple grape from a nearby table. "A wing for sick people?"

"This is a _hospital_."

"Really, now."

"Do the doctors know you're here? Do you even _have_ cancer?"

The boy drops his pose and leans forward, hands clasping on the table. "I have been diagnosed," he begins formally, "with a curious subset of cancer professionals like to call neucleoparayligical neurosis."

"I don't even know what you just said." Logan has completely lost interest in this conversation, and is now looking back down at his cards to see if he can find a seven to put over his eight.

"It means I bleed when I'm not supposed to."

"Awesome."

The boy cocks his head. "Not really."

"I don't care."

"Harsh."

"Never claimed otherwise."

"Soooo – what are you here for?"

"What's it to you?"

"Nothing, really. Just making conversation. Name's Julian, by the way."

"Logan."

"Cool. Knew a Logan once. Big guy. Had a problem with gas. Hey, did you see that brunette chick who passed through here a minute ago?"

"No."

"Man, she had nice knockers. Wonder if she works here."

Logan doesn't look up.

"Wanna help me find her?"

"I don't play for that team," Logan says shortly, hoping that will cut off whatever Julian wants to involve him in.

"She reminds me of one of my ex-girlfriends," Julian continues, as though without interruption. "Nice ass."

"Are you going to keep talking to me?"

"I dunno. Why?"

"Because you're annoying. Why did you come over here in the first place?"

"Dunno. You looked interesting." Logan scoffs. Julian tilts his head. "What?"

"Out of all of the words you could have used to describe me, that one is the least fitting."

.

(It's kind of true.)

…

* * *

"You wanna go steal a cake from the kitchen?"

"No, Julian."

* * *

"You wanna go chase bees across the lawn?"

"No thanks. I value my life."

* * *

"Wanna go fishing in the creek behind the lawn?"

"Fine, whatever."

* * *

"You suck at this."

"Well excuse me for being bad at something I've _never done before_."

"Here, I'll help you. You're holding the rod all wrong."

"I wasn't aware there was more than one way to _hold_ a fishing rod."

* * *

"You wanna go spread face paint over the nurses while they sleep?"

"Sure, that sounds like fun."

"Really?"

"No."

* * *

"You wanna watch some birds?"

"No."

"Do some needlepoint?"

"No."

"Grill some salmon?"

"What?"

"I don't know."

* * *

"Dude, you wanna go get pedicures?"

"No thanks; I have a penis."

"C'mon, stop being sexist. It'll be great for your nails."

"…"

"…"

"…"

"…"

"You're paying for dinner afterward."

* * *

"_OH MY GOD LOGAN DO YOU FUCKING KNOW WHAT WE SHOULD FUCKING DO?!_"

"What."

"_FUCKING SHOOT GEESE!_"

"Do you have a license?"

"No."

"Do you have a gun?"

"No."

"Do you have a brain?"

"…"

"…"

"Probably not."

* * *

"You're late."

Julian raises an eyebrow. "Well excuse me; I didn't know we had an official meeting time."

"Where were you yesterday?"

"Why, did you miss me?"

"Did you put garlic in Michael's cake again?"

"C'mon, that was _one _time. I get bored, okay?"

"There are more productive ways of managing your boredom."

"What, like playing solitaire?"

"Among other things, yes."

"Sorry, but I think I'll pass. I'd rather not be as dull as some people when I finally leave here."

Logan glances up. "If I'm boring, it's only because my childhood made me so."

"You're not boring – not in the least. I never said that. You've got fantastic temper issues, for one."

"Yes, thank you for pointing that out; I wasn't previously aware of the fact."

"Hey, I'm just sayin'. You're in a hospital; shouldn't they be treating that?"

"I would have thought that you, of all people, would understand that not everything can be cured so easily."

Logan continues looking down at his cards. There's a slight pause.

"So…why do you think your childhood made you boring?"

"Because it did."

"Waiting for elaboration here."

"My mom's the standard American housewife, my dad's a relatively successful businessman – we're comfortably middle class, live in a house in the suburbs with two cars and a white picket fence…I went to a small, private high school, quickly became captain of the fencing team – "

"Fencing isn't stereotypical."

"Whatever. I was the stereotypical self-centered jock who thought he was better than everyone else."

"_Thought_? Wait, you still don't think that?"

"Fuck you."

"Believe me, I'd let you."

"Don't be vulgar."

"Do you even know me at all?"

"I think you took too much Prozac this morning."

"I don't take Prozac."

"Could'a fooled me."

"Hm. They _did_ give me a suspiciously purple-looking pill when they tested me this morning. And then they did the thing where they poke you with a toothpick and ask you about HIV and refuse to believe you when you say you're not sexually active. Hey!"

The guy who is passing behind him stops, confused as Julian turns around and shouts the salutation at him. The green apron around his waist marks him as a member of the kitchen staff.

"Hi, can I get another Sprite?"

The guy's forehead creases. "This isn't a restaurant."

"I know it isn't a restaurant; I'm trying to _make_ it a restaurant."

"Yeah, good luck with that."

He continues on his way and Julian sighs, turning back to Logan. "But yeah. Dude, why are you still playing with those cards? Are you even capable of other activity?"

"No."

"Seriously."

"No."

"Is this what you were talking about when you said you had a boring life?"

"Yes."

"Are you going to evolve past monosyllables?"

"No."

"I'll spill grape juice over your cards."

Logan folds his hands on top of the table and looks at him, annoyed. "You don't have grape juice."

"Remind me to get you to time how fast I can retrieve grape juice from the cafeteria line the next time we're sitting here. So what's your deal?"

"I don't have a deal."

"Sure you do. You're boring as fuck, for one."

"Thank you, Julian."

"You know I'm just teasing," the brunet responds, rolling his eyes. "I've told you before that you're not boring. You're only taking it to heart because that's what you believe, despite all astounding evidence to the contrary. Hey, you know what you should do?"

"What."

Julian points a carrot stick at him. "Make a bucket list."

Logan blinks. "What's a bucket list?"

"You know." Julian takes a bite of the carrot and waves the rest around in the air, as though that will somehow help illustrate his suggestion. "A list of things you want to do before you kick the bucket."

"Um."

"C'mon, it'll be fun! It's super easy."

"Do you have one?"

"Sure. Been workin' on it ever since I was diagnosed with Carrier's disease. Not sure I'll be able to find P. Sherman, 42 Wallaby Way, Sydney, though…"

"…"

"So, what does your heart desire? _OH MY GOD YOU KNOW WHAT YOU SHOULD DO?! YOU SHOULD COLLECT EVERY FLAVOR OF EOS LIP BALM!_"

"No."

Julian leans back in his chair and puts his feet up on the table, an activity that is surely prohibited by hospital regulation.

"Fine. What do _you _want to do?"

Logan shrugs. "Dunno. Try every kind of Girl Scout cookie, maybe? Or – oh, you know, I've always wanted to finish an entire game of Monopoly. And see a capybara. Or complete an entire book of Sudoku puzzles. Ordering dessert first at a restaurant might be fun too."

Julian looks at him. "That's hardcore. Better slow down there, buddy."

Logan rolls his eyes. "Well what's on _your_ list? Maybe we'll want to do some of the same things."

"You can't do that! That's cheating!"

"Fine, just – show them to me? It might get my mind going."

"That I can do." Julian produces a sheet from his front pocket, presenting it to Logan with a flourish. "_Voil__à! __Ici nous avons les accomplissements de ma vie, et les choses que je vais conquérir si un dieu choisirai de sourire à moi_."

"Okay, Julian."

"_Oui, j'accepte ta louange, parce que je l'__ai bien mérité_."

"Um, you did not get a _cocktail _named after you."

"Sure I did. Ask any bar in Kentucky for a Larson."

"Kentucky has bars?"

"Don't be ruraphobic; it's hardly becoming."

"Yes, and it's so important to be _becoming_, isn't it, considering that we live in eighteenth-century England. Why did you cross this stuff off?"

Julian blinks. "Because I've already done it?"

"But that makes it a…to-do list, or something. A chore."

Julian raises an eyebrow. "What do _you _suggest I do?"

"Use a check mark," Logan says simply, shrugging.

Julian thinks about it for a moment. "Okay; fine. But we still have no idea what's going on with _your_ list."

"Then I guess we'd better get cracking, shouldn't we?"

* * *

(Julian steals a pizza from the kitchen and proceeds to throw it across the lawn like a Frisbee. Logan is forced to crouch down in a sudden, awkward moment to catch it, lest he get tomato sauce splattered all across his jeans. Julian laughs, and laughs, and laughs.)

(And then takes a picture.)

* * *

Logan glances up to see Julian surveying him almost curiously, and he raises an eyebrow. "What?"

Julian opens his mouth, leaves it hanging there for a second, and then snaps it shut and shakes his head, seeming to change his mind. "Nothing." He starts to get up.

Logan watches as Julian glances back at him with an almost-smirk. "You've got mustard on your cheek." Logan rolls his eyes as Julian springs away.

…

"We should run away."

Logan lets the top of his newspaper flop over so he can observe Julian sitting in front of him. "Aren't you at least supposed to declare your undying love for every molecule in my body first?"

"Shut up." Julian scoots his chair a bit closer and leans in, hands grasping the wooden edge of the table like he's about to sell him marijuana. "This place isn't doing anything for you, is it? I mean, come on, Logan. You've been here, what, two months? Yeah, how's that workin' out for you?"

"You're right. I should just abandon all this high-tech equipment and go running through fields of wheat buck naked. That'll solve all my problems."

"I detect sarcasm and I'm going to ignore it, though I won't pretend to object to the naked part. But dude. Listen." He scoots even closer and looks at Logan with his wide, brown eyes. "That machine they put you under once a week – it makes you feel like shit, right?"

"Sometimes the treatment's just as bad as the cu – "

"No; listen to me. There's not enough evidence to assume that that thing actually helps cancer patients at all. Its usage is based off of outdated research. They've done study after modern study – it doesn't help."

Logan raises an eyebrow. "So you're saying…?"

"I'm _saying_ – all you have to do is take your meds with you and hightail it out onto the open road!"

"And if I happen to feel extremely ill one night…?"

"It's not like there aren't doctors on the open road."

"It's not exactly like money grows on trees, either."

"Well _technically_,dollar bills are printed on paper, and paper – "

"Julian. Shut up."

Julian grins. "My family's pretty well-off, you know. There's no problem a visit to the ATM can't fix."

"You're insane."

Julian grins. "You call it insanity. I call it living on the edge."

"I call it falling _over_ the edge and landing in a ditch filled with rainwater and your own feces."

"You paint quite the picture."

"Julian, you can't be serious."

Julian mocks offense. "Excuse you, sir, but I am extremely aware of what I'm suggesting. My turbular meningitis has not made me senile. However, given its magnitude, who knows if these few months may not be my last…"

He shrugs, and Logan suddenly can't tell how serious he is.

"All I want before I die is to see my beloved half-sister's face. Are you going to ignore a dying man's wish to visit his half-sister Susie and her beloved snakes one more time? _Are you?_"

Logan rubs at his temples, ignoring Julian's obnoxiously smiling face. "Julian – they'd chase after us."

"We're _adults_. We're allowed to leave if we want to."

"Do you _want_ to give your parents a heart attack?"

"Do you really _want_ to stay _here_?"

Logan glares at him. "My parents will find me."

"Not if you tell them you're being transferred to another medical location with superior equipment."

Logan gives him a bland look. "I'd never be able to pull that off."

"I would."

Logan scoffs. "No you wouldn't."

"Do you dare me?"

Two days later, Logan finds himself in the passenger seat of a beat-up Chevy Impala, blinking down at the box of white crackers in his lap as they zoom up the acceleration lane to a two-lane highway, the sounds of "Oh! Susanna" filling his ears as Julian hits every note with perfect accuracy.

…

"I – "

"Julian."

"Well…"

"_Well_?"

"You never told me it'd be so _big_."

A sigh. "What were you _expecting_?"

"…a smooth and easy ride?"

"Yeah, that's not going to happen."

"Do we _have _to go fast?"

"Yes."

"Why?"

"It's not like I can _control_ it, Julian."

"Will it hurt?"

"If you stay all tense like that then yes, it probably will."

"But – it never hurts for you?"

"No."

"We'll be safe, right?"

"Yes."

"Really safe?"

"Yes."

"You've always been safe?"

"Yes."

"_Every single time?_"

"Oh my God – _Julian_. It's a roller coaster, not a freaking T-Rex! Stop being such a pussy already."

Julian points a finger at him accusingly. "SEXISM," he declares loudly.

"Sorry. Stop being such a weenie."

Julian glares. "Fine."

It's not as bad as he thought it would be, actually. At the end, he tips off the ride and onto the metal platform dizzily, grabbing onto Logan with a goofy grin as he stumbles over his feet. Logan rolls his eyes and tugs him towards the exit.

"Dude, can we go on the carousal?!"

"No."

"Why not?!"

"Because we're eighteen years old."

"Growing old is mandatory, Logan. Growing _up_ – "

"Shut up and let me win you a teddy bear."

"What?"

Julian doesn't seem like he's going to move from that spot without further explanation, so Logan rolls his eyes, grabs Julian's hand, and tugs him to a stand with a proud display of white bottles before nailing each and every one of them with the little red ball he's been given.

Julian watches with large incredulity as Logan disappears behind the colossal mass of _brown_ he's handed, poking his head out from behind the fur and raising an eyebrow at him.

"Oh my _God_," he manages with a strangled laugh. "That is the cheesiest thing I have ever seen anyone do ever in the history of ever."

And yet, he spends the rest of the day hugging the bear to his chest in an adorable fashion with the most beautiful smile on his face.

…

The prize teddy bear leads to an impossibly long and almost uninterrupted session at Build-A-Bear in which Julian sits on the floor and stubbornly proceeds to make every single kind of animal on offer while Logan leans against the wall nearby with his head in his hand.

By the end, Logan feels like his feet have been glued to the floor and Julian is covered in glitter (which, yeah, Logan doesn't even know how that _got _there). This leads to a multi-hour grooming session in which Julian insists that Logan imitate an ape in an attempt to pick all the glitter out of his hair ("Well if you would just stop _squirming_ – !"), during the middle of which Logan throws his hands up in despair and declares loudly that he's not built for this ("Fuck this shit; we're going to McDonald's").

This, in turns, leads to a mile-long walk to the nearest fast food restaurant and a casual stroll (on Logan's part, at least) up the long driveway, hands in his pockets, while Julian flails along behind him ("It's called a _drive_-thru for a _reason_, Logan!" "You're right – we should just stick to finishing our Monopoly game, shouldn't we, Jules?").

All things considered, it's best that Julian actually learns to ride a bike, since there's no way in hell he's going to _walk_ to another fast food restaurant (because, um, hel_lo_, that totally defeats the purpose of _fast food_), and there's no way Logan is going to let them waste their lives away in a sealed metal vehicle for hours on end.

Learning to ride a bike, however, requires the necessary confession that Julian actually doesn't know _how_ to operate said vehicle. This, of course, inevitably leads to hours of teasing on Logan's part, even more sulking on Julian's part, and an eventual concession and extracted promise that said stupid blond would teach said sulking brunet how to ride.

An inanimate object, that is.

Which he does. Albeit with a lot of swearing, scrapes, and wild accusations ("You said it wouldn't fall over this time!" "Well you kind of have to _start pedaling_ in order for it to _start moving_, Julian!"). All of it results in many frustrated glares, catches in the nick of time to avoid crashes, and more soul-searching glances in awkward positions than Logan would care to count, all things considered.

And after all of this silliness and sweating and frustrating positioning and painful falls, they decide to take a break, to pause into a bit of serenity and calm and thousands of fluttering wings.

They go to see the Monarch butterfly migration, and Logan watches Julian watch the sky, head tilted up towards the birds, brown eyelashes fluttering. He doesn't look happy, or sad, or calm, or special, and watching Julian watch the butterflies makes something slip around in Logan's chest, like a feeling of rightness in the face of all this purity and good will.

…

Julian has a tattoo of a feather on the nape of his neck. Logan gets one (the same design, only flipped) on the underside of his wrist.

He wonders if the brunet can tell that Logan understands how much it means to Julian.

…

Logan plunks himself down next to Julian casually, sliding a wad of papers under his nose. Julian glances up quizzically. Logan nods at him to take a look, and Julian frowns.

"What – " He stops, and blinks, and drops the papers to stare at Logan like he's crazy. "You _rented an entire house in the Caribbean?_"

Logan smirks. "You said you wanted to go there with your best friend, right? I'm commandeering the title."

Julian doesn't even seem to be listening to him. "It has a spiral staircase?"

"And a round bed. And PowerAde on tap. No biggie."

Julian makes a strangled noise, puts his head in his hands, and laughs until he cries.

Logan makes him coffee.

…

When Logan walks into the bedroom, Julian is sprawled out smack in the middle of the white sheets like a starfish, eyes closed and head tilted up. Logan smiles at him fondly, almost forgetting to drop his duffel bag next to the wall as he gazes at his friend.

Feeling eyes on him, Julian blinks his own open, propping his head up with his hands. When Logan does nothing, he pushes onto his elbows and raises an eyebrow.

"What?" says Logan.

"Are you coming or not?"

Logan blinks. "I was going to haul a mattress over there to sleep," he says, gesturing loosely to the side of the room.

The distance between Julian's eyebrow and his hairline only decreases further. "Just sleep next to me."

When Logan only raises his own eyebrow in return, the brunet rolls his eyes. "I'm not going to _molest_ you, Logan."

Smirking, the blond saunters forward, plopping down onto the bed and pulling the covers over his body. He wiggles his toes.

"It's nice to finally have a bed my feet don't hang off of," he remarks casually, snuggling down against the soft sheets.

Julian nods. "Well, goodnight." Logan blinks as Julian reaches over and flips the light switch.

"Uh – yeah, okay. Goodnight."

He shifts again, just slightly, and is still, sinking down into the mattress, falling lower, lower, softer, deeper –

"I'm bored."

Logan's eyes snap open, the voice like a shock to his nervous system.

He blinks over to Julian, who has propped himself up on an elbow and is now staring at Logan as though he expects him to do something about it.

"Tell me a story."

"I don't have any stories."

"You think _I_ do?"

"Well…I have _stories_ – they're just not…_story_-stories."

"That was really helpful."

"Shut up."

Logan yawns. "Just tell me one of your non-stories, and I promise I won't fall asleep until you're finished, m'kay?" He can feel Julian shift on the sheets.

"Well…" He cuts himself off abruptly. "No, I can't. It's st – it's stupid."

Logan's voice softens just a tad. "Just tell me, Julian."

There's a distinctly loud silence, and then Julian shifts again. "Well…okay. But like I said, it's not really a _story_ so much as – "

"Jules."

"_Fine_." He sighs, and then begins talking for real. "When I was…sixteen, I fell in love. For the first time, I mean. Well…the first and only time. We were friends beforehand – it was one of those I-like-you-and-you-like-me-but-we're-both-too-nervous-to-bring-it-up-so-let's-just-eyefuck-for-a-few-months-before-one-of-us-breaks type situations."

He's quiet for a moment. Logan doesn't say anything.

"The first time we kissed, we were being super corny – like, we were actually running through a field of wheat beforehand like we were a damn Nicholas Sparks novel."

Another pause.

"We'd gone out to lunch earlier, and…and when our lips touched, he tasted like the strawberries he'd eaten for dessert. And every time we kissed after that, I swore I could still taste them. And so I…I built up this stupid idea, after we broke up, that the next time I fell in love…I'd still be able to taste the strawberries."

Logan glances over at him. He's staring up at the ceiling.

"Which is completely stupid, I know. I never tasted them again." He barks out a short laugh, which startles Logan. "Then again, I never fell in love again. I always assumed…"

It's like something is wrong – because Julian never takes this long to produce his speeches.

"I always assumed, after I got diagnosed, that if I ever fell in love again, it would be the last time. You know, before – "

He stops.

Logan's staring at the ceiling. He likes staring at the ceiling, like he can see all the patterns of the universe on it, or something.

Or at least a pair of blue eyes.

"So…what about you?" Julian asks. "What were your plans, before your body decided it hated you?"

He's not really sure how this relates. Logan gives himself a brief moment of wonderment about what actually goes on in that adorable brunet head, like he always does, before proceeding.

"I was going to go to Harvard."

Julian sits up quickly. "_Harvard_?"

Logan doesn't say anything.

"Before – "

"Yeah."

Julian just sits there staring at him for a few moments, and then he lowers himself back onto the mattress. After some seconds he interlaces his hands on top of his stomach and starts to stare at the ceiling.

Harvard.

* * *

(Julian buys pounds and pounds of chocolate at a nearby supermarket and plunks them onto the kitchen counter in front of Logan with a devilish smirk. That day, Logan fails miserably at eating his body weight in chocolate, and Julian eats package after package of peanut M&Ms as he laughs, and laughs, and laughs.)

(Miraculously, neither one of them spends that night upchucking into a toilet.)

* * *

"You suck at this."

"Bitch, shut up. Your vulgar interjections are impeding my mastery over the whip."

"Well if you're trying to _punish_ the cream, you're doing a very good job."

"Oh, fuck off."

Logan grins at the offhand command and moves forward. Julian jolts and lets out a little squeak of surprise as a warm hand closes around his wrist.

"You're doing it all wrong," Logan murmurs, almost pressed up against his back. When he speaks, his breath pools out across Julian's neck and the brunet leans away just a little bit.

"Here." He starts guiding Julian's hand in a counterclockwise motion. "Like this."

Julian frowns down at the cream. "It's not getting any thicker."

Logan rolls his eyes. "That's because you've been at it for fewer than three seconds. And you really should beat harder."

Ignoring him, Julian lets go of the whip and dips his finger in the white liquid when Logan removes his hand. He holds it up for inspection and frowns when it drips off the limb.

"Um," says Logan. "That's not really how you check if it's done."

Julian says nothing, so Logan darts over his shoulder and encloses the top of Julian's finger with his mouth, licking the cream away.

"Logan!" The blond pulls away with a smirk, licking his lips as Julian jerks away from him, rolling his eyes and groaning in exasperation.

"You love me," Logan teases.

"Yeah, yeah," Julian says, shoving the metal bowl into his hands. "Hold this while I find a spoon to beat you with."

"Beating I object to. Spanking, on the other hand…"

"I'm not talking to you anymore."

"Aww – c'mon, baby. Don't be like that."

"Don't call me 'baby.'"

"Baby."

"Logan, if you don't stop with this shameless flirting I shall be forced to crack an egg over your head."

Logan grins. They've made their way to the sink and are now standing side by side as Julian leans over to turn the faucet on. Logan hesitates for just a moment, and then he darts in to place a quick kiss to Julian's cheek.

"I'll go preheat the oven for the brownies," he says softly, and moves away.

…

The door opens with a sudden sound that makes Logan's head jerk up. Julian closes the wooden slab behind him quietly, dropping the keys on the counter to his right as he walks forward. His face is washed-out.

Logan stands hesitantly. Julian moves with all the grace and heaviness of a silent statue.

"Hey."

Julian says nothing. His black jacket drops to adorn the shoulders of one of the straight-backed kitchen chairs.

"Do you…want something to eat?"

"I'm fine." There's an absence of ease in Julian's unusually dark eyes.

Logan's brow furrows with worry. "Are you sure? Because I can make you something, if you want – "

"I said I'm _fine_, Logan!"

Logan goes still, a dishtowel draped over one hand like a ragged waterfall.

Julian's never yelled at him before.

Julian closes his eyes, little trembles crossing his face uncontrollably. He looks sick.

After a moment, he sighs and sits down across from Logan, waiting for his friend to sit as well before speaking. His hand twitches and Logan thinks he might reach over to hold Logan's – but he doesn't.

"I'm sorry."

Logan waits a moment. "You want to go over your list?" It usually makes Julian feel better to see that he's accomplished things.

The brunet removes his hand from where it was pressing against the corners of his eyebrows. He nods.

Logan takes the paper out of his pocket where he's kept it for safekeeping and smooths it down. "All right. You've breathed fire…and made tie-dye shorts…" He stops suddenly and glances up at Julian. "This…" He clears his throat. "Do you think you'll ever…cook with someone you love in the middle of the night? Or…should I cross that one off?"

Julian is staring out in front of him, past the blond, miles away. "I already did that one."

Logan looks down at the paper uncertainly, and then back up at his friend. "Julian – the only person you've baked with since you wrote that is me."

Julian is gazing down at the table with a heavy, unfocused resonance, his dark eyes hopeless. "I know."

The night starts choking.

…

…

…

…

When did it become Valentine's Day, again?

…

"Well, here it is."

Julian glances up at him as he swings the door open and pushes the plastic key into one of his back pockets.

"Yeah, I guess so." Logan has already pushed his suitcase into the room, and before Julian can take hold of his own Logan grabs the handle and swings it around to his left and into the room, backing up against the door so he can gesture for Julian to go in in front of him. His eyes are inexplicably gentle.

Julian gives him a tired smile in gratitude and walks in.

"Looks like we don't have a balcony to stand on and look at the stars like those in cheesy chick flicks," Julian muses as the blond shuts the door. "Pity."

Smiling fondly at him, Logan makes his way across the room to stand beside him. "No," he says, "but if the size of these curtains is any indication, we have a great view."

Reaching forward, long fingers push velvety red to the side – and reveal what can only be described as a wall of glass. Julian's eyes widen slightly as Logan steps back.

"Wow." Logan chuckles.

The city is spread out before them, tall and calm, and he doesn't know how it's possible with all the urban pollution, but he swears he can see the stars start to push their way into that pewter-dipped sky.

"Do you have a wish?"

Julian starts. He's drifted forward a little, entranced by the stars, and Logan's murmur right next to his ear takes him by surprise.

He looks up, long neck stretching as he gazes up at the sky. "I think I've given up on wishing at this point." The words make Logan's heart clench painfully.

"Then I'll just have to wish for the both of us, won't I?" Julian glances at him and smiles softly, and Logan reaches over to give his hand a squeeze, pulling away reluctantly after a moment. Their pinkies brush as he returns his hand to his side.

Julian sighs.

"You tired?"

Julian nods.

"Do you want to sleep? You can turn the lights off; I don't mind."

"It's not the kind of tired sleep can fix."

Logan hesitates. "I'm going to go take a shower, okay?" Julian makes no response, so Logan grabs some sweats and a T-shirt from his suitcase and heads on into the bathroom.

When he comes back out a few minutes later, messing up his damp hair with a terrycloth towel, Julian is sitting on the edge of the double bed in the same clothes he was wearing before, hands curled laxly in his lap as he stares at the floor absently. The blond frowns and lets the towel fall to his shoulders.

"How long have you been sitting there?"

Julian doesn't answer.

Logan tosses the towel onto the single bed in the corner where he'll be sleeping later and sits next to Julian.

"Hey. You okay?"

"I'm scared," Julian says abruptly.

Logan is quiet for a moment. "I know."

"No. You don't."

Logan's forehead furrows. "It's not exactly like I'm healthy myself, Julian."

"You have cancer."

Logan blinks. "What's that supposed to mean?"

Julian's fingers curl in on themselves a little more. "Nothing. I'm sorry."

"Julian – do you not have cancer?" He's shocked to see those brown eyes fill with tears.

"I – I don't know."

"What do you mean, you don't know? What did they tell you you have?"

"They don't know."

"They don't know you're sick?"

"No, they know damn well I'm sick – it's the only thing they seem to be able to talk about. They don't know – " His breath hitches. "They don't know _why_ I'm sick."

Logan can feel his eyes widen. "They don't know what's wrong with you?"

The first hot tear streaks down Julian's face, and he nods. "They don't know _anything_, and – and – I'm _scared_, Logan."

Logan doesn't know what to do, doesn't know how to handle this.

"Everyone's scared of dying," he says eventually, softly. "It's okay to be afraid." He knows it's not the right thing to say, but he doesn't know what to do and _God_, he just wants Julian to stop crying like this, because it's breaking his heart.

"No, it's not that. I mean – I _am_ scared of dying, but mostly I just…" He stares at a space on the carpet, blinking rapidly. "When I first found out, I was so determined to stay alive, just to _live_ until I died. And I expanded my list and wrote it on my heart and told myself I'd do _everything_."

The tears on his eyelashes make them look precious.

"But – you remember how I said if I fell in love again, it would be the last time?" He waits until Logan nods to continue.

"I never expected that to happen. Out of all the things on my list, I never thought that one would happen, and I – I wasn't prepared."

Logan wishes he could pull him close and hold him.

"I promised myself I wouldn't fall in love with you," he whispers.

Logan looks at his hands.

Julian struggles for a moment, and then breaks. "I tried so _hard_." He lets out a short sob and buries his face in his hands, shoulders shaking. And Logan feels guilty, because he never made himself such a promise.

He pulls Julian close and holds him, but the angle is all wrong and so he picks him up gently and moves him so that Julian's knees bracket his hips. The brunet twines his arms around him and breaks down against his shoulder.

Logan runs one hand up and down his back and the other through his hair as the brunet holds on to him tightly. He's always wanted to do this – to run his fingers through Julian's soft, soft hair – but it's all wrong this time, because he never wanted to make Julian so unhappy.

Eventually, Julian calms down enough so that he's only breathing shakily against Logan's neck and hiccupping every now and then. His hands go down to fist Logan's T-shirt and he moves his forehead against Logan's shoulder so that the tears no longer drip onto his skin. Leaning forward, he drops a soft kiss to the white cotton.

Logan closes his eyes.

Julian's still for so long Logan's sure he's about to pull away any second and say he wants to go to sleep, but right before he's about to tilt the brunet's head up and ask him if he wants Logan to make him some tea or something, he drops another kiss to his shoulder, and then one to his collarbone where he's pulled back his shirt.

Logan stops stroking Julian's hair and closes his eyes again. Julian leans up and presses a hot kiss to his neck, and his fist closes around the fabric covering Julian's back.

He's wanted this. He doesn't even know where Julian is going but he feels warmer already and he _wants this_.

Julian leans up to place open-mouthed kisses against his jaw, thighs tightening around Logan's slightly, and Logan wants _him_. And not even in a sexual way, not really. He just – God, wouldn't it be a perfect world if he could just hold him forever?

Julian trails butterfly kisses down his cheekbone, ending up with his lips right next to Logan's. He pulls back a few millimeters, as if he's not sure he should do this.

Logan kisses him.

* * *

The embrace sweeps through Julian and he whimpers (Logan's heart skips a beat, because he (he he him) _caused_ that sound), clutching at Logan's broad shoulders before sliding his hands up his neck and into his hair, tugging insistently. His tongue goes out to swipe at Logan's bottom lip and the blond opens his mouth, lapping inside Julian's.

Julian whines, pushing Logan onto the bed so he can roll over and pull the blond on top of him, practically begging to be dominated. Logan's fingers tangle in his hair as he kisses him, and Julian's fingers dance down his spine, stopping suddenly so he can tug at his waistband.

Logan pulls away. "Wait – Julian – "

Julian's hands drop immediately and fall to his sides as though they've been shocked. His head turns away from Logan and he swallows. "Sorry," he says in a small voice.

"Don't apologize."

"It's okay if you don't want to sleep with me. I understand."

Logan sighs, sitting back on Julian's hips and running a hand through his hair as the brunet props himself up on his elbows. "You said you didn't want to do this."

Julian refuses to meet his gaze.

"Of course I _want_ to." His eyes fill up with tears. "But…you're right. It would probably be…wrong."

"Sex isn't wrong. Not if you're in love."

Julian's eyes cut to his sharply. "Y – you're in love with me?" It cuts through Logan like a knife to hear how hard he's trying to suppress the hope in his voice.

Leaning forward, he brushes their lips together as he rubs small circles into Julian's hipbones. "I honestly don't know how anyone could not fall in love with you."

Julian swallows. "I don't want just anyone."

"Then I won't be just anyone. Not if you don't want me to be."

Julian looks away, blinking as the tears slip down his cheeks. He's never been so scared of something like this before.

Although it's not the physical contact that scares him.

"Do you want me to leave?"

Julian blinks furiously at the gentle murmur and shakes his head, clasping his hands behind Logan's neck and putting his head on his shoulder. "I'm scared," he whispers.

Logan presses his face into Julian's neck, sighing against where he's always wanted to bite the smooth skin. "I'm not," he says. "Not even a little bit."

Julian pulls back to look at him, and his uncertain gaze meets Logan's unwavering one. His coffee-brown eyes are deep and upset. "How? How can you not be afraid?" His fingers tighten around Logan's shirt.

Logan closes his eyes and leans forward, one hand going up to the side of Julian's face in a caress he wants to repeat a thousand times.

He moves slowly, letting Julian know that all he has to do is ask, and Logan will pull away in an instant.

But Julian doesn't ask, and Logan runs his thumb across his cheekbone as he brings their lips together, parting Julian's slowly so he can explore the cavern of the mouth he already misses.

Julian melts into him.

Logan pulls away slowly, breath unsteady, and Julian blinks, eyes somewhat heavy and lips still slightly parted as he stares at Logan in a daze, irises contracted.

"That's how."

Without thinking, Julian pushes forward again, connecting their lips as he flips them over so he's straddling Logan's waist.

The tears streaming down his cheeks feel like they're coming from his soul.

…

Logan tries not to make any sound; he wants to listen to Julian as closely as he can.

The brunet is breathing softly, chest rising and falling just slightly. As though he can feel Logan's eyes on him, he opens his own. Logan brushes some strands of hair away from his face.

"You okay?" he murmurs.

Julian smiles. "Yeah." The sheets shuffle slightly as he scoots closer, resting his hands against the blond's naked chest and tucking his head in the space under Logan's. "I love you," he says quietly, after a moment.

Logan leans forward so he can breathe him in deep.

…

Julian buys a crystal ball worth thousands and thousands of dollars, and watches it break as it falls from his fingers and onto the floor. The shards scatter across the room, and he doesn't pick them up for a very long time.

Logan comes back from grocery shopping one day to see that Julian's got streaks of blue dyed into his hair. Julian looks up at him from where he's reading a newspaper and grins as Logan just shakes his head.

Julian finishes an entire eraser. Logan watches as he looks down at the paper in front of him – surprised, after all this time, that he can reduce something that was always meant to be destroyed.

* * *

(Julian gives Logan his list – he figures someone should have it, at least. Logan looks at him in confusion, as if he doesn't know what to do with it, and Julian laughs, and laughs, and laughs until blood comes seeping out from between his lips and hacking through his coughs and suddenly he can't laugh anymore.)

* * *

Logan squeezes Julian's fingers between his hands gently, long strands of hair falling across their skin as he bows his head.

"Hey." It takes him some effort, but Julian reaches out and brushes his fingers across his cheek. Logan lifts his head slightly and leans into the touch, eyes still closed. "Hey. Don't cry."

Logan opens his eyes, green and wet and sparkling. "I don't know how to let you go," he whispers.

Julian smiles. When his hand starts to slip, Logan grabs it and fits it against his cheek.

"Do you believe in an afterlife?"

"Are you trying to tell me we'll see each other again?"

Julian's eyes crinkle. "You shouldn't be afraid."

Logan just stares at him, and all he can see is rain, rain, rain. "Why not?"

"Because we were never meant to live forever."

Logan's thumb brushes against Julian's cheek as a tear slips down his neck. "That doesn't help me." Julian closes his eyes and smiles.

"I guess…the body isn't the worst thing you can break."

There's a silence.

"Hey…Logan?"

Logan's hand tightens over his. "Yeah?"

"I'm not scared anymore."

Logan looks down at him.

He looks like peace.

…

The ending of this story is not important, but I thought you might like to know anyway.

Logan lives. He grows up, falls in love again, and marries the boy he never would have met had Julian survived.

But I think it's important to understand that this second love doesn't invalidate what Logan felt for Julian, or what Julian felt for him. Because this isn't meant to be a series of unfortunate events. It's not even meant to be a love story – not really.

This is a story about a boy who lived…

and the boy who let him.

.

fin

.

* * *

*Items that Julian completed before he met Logan are in _italics_. Items Julian and Logan completed after they met but before the end of the story and in **bold**. Items left uncompleted by the end of the story are in regular type.

.

.

.

Logan's Bucket List

**Run through a field of sunflowers**

Try every vegetable in existence

**Try chocolate-covered bacon**

**Bake a chocolate cake from scratch**

**Bake cake pops**

**Eat Belgian Waffles in Belgium**

**Hold a lemur**

**Try fried Oreos**

**Eat a square watermelon**

**Make my own melted crayon art**

**Walk through a drive-thru**

**Get a tattoo**

**Watch fireworks while swimming in the ocean**

**Eat a whole roll of Hubba Bubba gum in one sitting**

**Wade through a cranberry bog**

Eat my weight in chocolate

**Make a kiss list**

.

**Fall in love again**

.

.

Julian's Bucket List

**Own every flavor of EOS Lip Balm**

_Get a feather tattoo_

**Go to the Caribbean with my best friend**

Eat only bacon for an entire day

_Learn how to tie a knot in a cherry stem using only my tongue_

**Breathe fire**

**Have a home with a spiral staircase**

**Learn how to ride a bike**

Eat at Le Jules Verne

_Harvest a substantial bowtie collection_

_Learn the choreography from Dirty Dancing_

**Throw a pizza through the air like a Frisbee**

**Make every kind of animal at Build-A-Bear**

_Become a professional gift-wrapper_

**Have a round bed**

**Dye my hair a crazy color without warning anyone**

**Make tie-dye shorts**

_Get a cocktail named after me_

**Have PowerAde on tap**

**Bake in the middle of the night with someone I love**

Find P. Sherman, 42 Wallaby Way, Sydney

_Break a world record_

**Have a whipped cream fight**

**See the Monarch butterfly migration**

**Ride a roller coaster**

**Eat as many Peanut Butter M&M's in one day as possible**

_Learn how to unwrap a Starburst using only my tongue_

**Buy something really expensive and destroy it**

**Have a paint fight**

Learn how to make chocolate

Start eating breakfast every day

**Find out who stole the cookie from the cookie jar**

**Finish an entire eraser**

.

**Remember the taste of strawberries**


End file.
